I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
