the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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