I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I'm passing your future prison.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
