Banned from zoo.
Again?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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