Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
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It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
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I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.