Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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