So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
