He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
