I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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