I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
