This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
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Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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