I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
There are leaves in my underwear?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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