I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
The air taste purple.
Randomize
