I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I puked a lego.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum