We got so high we made milksteak
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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