Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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