I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
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I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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