My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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