Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
please come you make the beer taste better
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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