I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
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As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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