Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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