I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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