I faked an abortion last night.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
