there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
