she kept yelling 'call me bella'
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
