i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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