i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
