My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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