this boner is exhausting
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
