I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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