My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
