ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
false alarm, still single
Randomize
