after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
