If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
