OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
