i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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