Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
