I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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