so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
barbara walters just said penis...
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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