Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
