You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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