I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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