Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Michael Bay diarrhea
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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