Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm sobbing to NWA
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
