I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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