I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Randomize
