just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
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