i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
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Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
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This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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