I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
