Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
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