I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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