I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
