I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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