The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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