Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
