i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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