I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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