I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
